9/16/2009 My idea of Blog(Translated)

(Same post as http://dongheejun.textcube.com)

(If you want to read Korean original version, come to following blog; dongheejun.textcube.com)

During all of my blogging period, I always had second thought about the "Blog"

Is this blog is just for myself? Am I write these article just for myself?

I notice that I am in some kind of mannerism.

I wrote same story with same contents with same Criticism.

And I always insists that this blog is just for myself, but it was not.

Deep inside I wrote all this ideas to show others.

For example, I wrote some blog post to criticize about some kind of immorality,

But I wrote those blog post just to show others that I have "SAME IDEA" with others.

I did not even wanted to criticize, but just for others.

I wrap myself for other people to think that I am a good person and I had some idea with them.

I was ashamed of myself and I kind of stop posting new ideas.

I stop my textcube blog and tistory blog. and kind of stopped to post new things on blogspot.

Anyways, I started blog once again without any theme or subject.

Hopefully I can have some idea soon, also I hope that I can find some good people online,

and I wish I can actually post my idea freely.

There is something to think about

Many of stuff happen in Korea.

1. I am losing about 10 lb right now, but I wish I can lose 20 more pounds.

I am not eatting(well, kind of I eat few times a week)

but traditianal Korean medicine, which is just full of fibers.

2. My little brother is making me and my parents mad.
I am trying to understand what he is thinking but I never can.
O well. hopefully I can trust him someday. At least, I wish there is peace in my house.

3. There is my dog, he like to licking my hair. Is it normal?

4. I was watching movie called "Pay It Forward" The movie is.. hmm.. it's nice movie. I did not
say it's good movie, it's nice movie. Well, I guess it's good.

It's like philosophy of helping others. I guess it's Multiplication of doing good stuff.
Even though ending was kind of gay oh wait it is not "kind of" it's just gay.
well so I guess that is why it got 6.8 out of 10 stars.

5. It is very hard to adjust my life to my motherland, or maybe my house.
What an ironic situation. Well, about 25 more days in my country.

I am getting burned out

I have too much stress...
Life SUCK

Adult.

Adult should have brain that is mature, not just mature body.

Adult should be responsible on what they said

Adult should have better understanding on the situations.

Adult can do most of things by themselves, but they know importance of cooperation.

Anyone can say some smart and logical words.

Yes, it proves that they are smart, but it does not prove they are adult.

You may like to give lecture to other person.

But real adult also like to give lecture to themself.

Every person has some kind of fear for their unclear future.

Difference between Adult and Children is Adult know when to step forward.

Am I an Adult? Are you an Adult?

@ church- Things that I want to do

hahaha Im at church.. I sort of what am I doing now. hahaha

I want to, well not want to but need to study, but this environment...

O well, plenty time to study.

So yeah.. I am doing this cuz I got plenty of time to kill, so yeah. Let's start.

=Things that I want to do=

1. Go to starbucks, does not matter that who by myself or not, drink some nice cold or nice warm coffee and listening some Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson and John Legend with just writing bunch of stuff.

2. Go to whereever with easel and just draw nice view. I don't care if it is mountain or beach, wherever is fine, even in middle of city is fine.

3. Simply hang out with people, do some random stuff. Like Pentland BBQ? nah something not as extreme as that.

4. Start record my music. Recently, I wrote some music, but I could not have chance to record. Also I want to do some podcast, freakin, I need Mic.

5. Use my Camera and take some nice photo and write short essay about it

6. Want to go to some concert, and enjoy. Whatever concert is fine except Country muisc and Classical music. I don't know anything about those two.

7. Go to Jazz bar, listen live jazz, and drink some nice wine and cheese. Smooth Jazz sounds good

and etc.. and hopefully do those things with someone I really care... :)

Human cannot always do the things that they want to do.

I saw some kind of vision of myself that make a huge success in some kind of business.

I don't know how, but I am pretty sure that I have to prepare to make those vision come true.
So yes, no complain about my situation and school works and study to do. I deserved it.

I joined Children's Ministry, I decided to take these classes. So, I will do my best whatever I got.

Everything is going to be alright, Especially lot of school work is not just cursing,

I belive God gave every stress and hardships for me to grow.

YEAH! It's Time to Shut up and do what I need to do, not I just want to do.

I hate to say this, but thank you God for giving me such a great goals and vision.

Just thoughts

Honestly Summer school is boring.. Im taking only two classes...

I have one class everyday. Yeah. It's boring. I got too much energy left over.

what should I do? should I draw again? Can't even remember how to draw now.

I am not emo or anything, but I feel kind of lost in Riverside.

Seriously except going to school and study little bit, there are nothing to do

I cannot imagine how can I go through this last year. Oh yeah, I was playing game. haha

I am pretty hyper now... hmm... golly, what should I do right now? or tmrw or free time?

Whatever. Hopefully There is something to do tmrw.

The Music what I listen when I was wild young kid..

So, I was reading Chandracular's blog, and I saw the post called

"A taste of what I grew up listening"

(url:http://andrewchandler.blogspot.com/2009/06/you-dont-hear-me-talking-about-secular.html)

And I feels like introduce what I grew up listning. These music still affects me try to write music, and those band use to affects my band a lot except the Queen and the Beetles. So yeah, here we go.

Band:부활 Title: 사랑할수록

When I first heard this song, this song freeze my blood. I dunno it is that good or not, but it was.

Deep Purple - Burn

Many of people said Led Zepplin affects them when they were young, but in my case Deep purple and Greenday affects most. Maybe it's because my dad like them, so he play the Deep purple and Greenday song over and over again, but their songs are very attractive to me.

X-Japan... I wanted my band to be like that, but I notice that, my member's were pretty good and my voice was crap.. hahaha.. But yes, their fast songs are freakin good, song like this are freakin good, they are legend in my mind...

So, after X-japan kind of gone, I got into one of Korean band called "EVE" Some reason, their style is pretty similar as X-japan's songs. But still have a lot difference, and since this band is Korean band and songs are not hard, so it was do-able... Their song is good. Since they are gone now, I am listening some of underground musicians...

So yeah, those songs and the bands affects my life, hahahaha... I was listning these bands during I write this post, yeah... FLASHBACK!

Done

Done with school.

Kind of happy, Kind of sad

I just want to quit

Finally I am tired of everything. I am seriosuly burned out.

I am tired to show my happy face to every single people.

I am tired of everything that I am doing right now.

I don't want to study, I don't want to go to church or whatever

I just don't want to do anything, I just want to rest in peace.

I feel like my freakin brain cell said stop working!

I tried to be a good person and stuff, but I never can be the one.

It's just pretend to be the good one, not in real.

What the hell am I doing in this planet? Who the hell am I? Really
I can't even remember what I was like.

Everything is confusing. So much things to worry about.

Try to hide my bitterness towards others, Try to hold it everything I want to

Why life is complicated and confusing? FML

Things I need.

List of things I need right now.

1. New glasses

2. New Monitor.

3. Travel to somewhere

4. Rock Concert.

5. New Microphone 

6. Guitar String

7. The new Greenday album 21th Century Breakdown

8. New song.

9. REAL Freedom.

9 Random stuff

1. I went to small road trip with Julie and Rachael. It was awesome time.

    I talk a lot, so they called me Im talkative guy. hahaha, I am talkative guy. 

    Yet, inside of the car, I thought a lot also. It was awesome time.

    I praise at the beach, ate some chinese food(I think it's real Chinese food).

    It was relaxing, It was nice, and I figure out that my leg is gigantic.

    Thank you God.

2. I notice that I am still live in my own little Neverland. Golly, I am now 21.

    Grow up Donghee!

3. Thursday open chaple Praise was such a blessing. I felt that God is really using me

    I had some tough time, but after praise, God turn my mourning into dancing. :)

4. Start with Yesterday, Dark Chocolate Crew started Quiet Time together. 

    Now we are using same booklet and stuff. I wish through this, everyone grow spiritually

    and mentally.

5. I wish I can praise like Israel Houghton or Casting Crowns. 

     But in same time, I wish I can praise God with my whole heart, 

     not only when I am having hard time. I learned skill is not as importand as a heart of worship.

6. President Roh died today. Well, I don't like that guy, but I feel bad that he commit

    suicide. I think there is a chance that someone might kill him. Oh well, only God knows.

7. Now on Diet. Time to loose some weight. Goal is 180 lb. 30 lb to go.

8. I will live my life as happy as I can. I notice that I am really sad person. hahaha..

9. Number 9.. I got nothing to write. hahahahaha.. o well. 

no more peterpan.

I am learning responsiblity.

So hard. So stressful. Well, now I need to be grow up.

No more peterpan life. 

Say so

I wish I can sing.

Lyrics for SAY SO (Key E)
Chords - Here (Praise Charts Preview mode)

Verse1
What does it mean to be save?
Isn't it more than just a prayer away?
More than just a way to heaven?
What does it mean to be here?
To be full in His likeness
To know that we have a purpose

Pre Chorus
To be salt and light in the world (in the world)
To be salt and light in the world

Chorus
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so
Say So! Say So!
(Repeat)

Verse2
Oh that the Church will arise
Oh that we would see with Jesus eyes
We could show the world heaven
Show what it means to be His
To be full in His likeness
Show them they have a purpose

Bridge
I am redeemed (6x)
To be salt and light in the world (6x)

Chorus2
Let the redeemed of the Lord rise up
Let the redeemed of the Lord rise up
Let the redeemed of the Lord rise up
Rise Up! Rise Up!

Lots of confusion.

I am confusing, as always.

I know you are here.

God, lead me to the right place.

He's turned my mourning. Into dancing again. He's lifted my sorrows

"He's turned my mourning Into dancing again. He's lifted my sorrows"

My life is full of tiring, disappointing, sorrorw, anger, hopeless

But you know what? God turn my mourning into dancing.

My situation, nothing is changed. Still there are so much problems and trouble.

But, all day today, somehow, I was thinking about my entire life, 

I notice that God lead me all the way here U.S.

Before I meet my God, Gradewise, I was good student. But I wasn't a good student, morally.

I smoked like no other, two packs a day. 

I drank like no other, I don't even know how much I can handle.

Hang out with whole bunch of bad people. 

I had no English skill to live in United States.

I never expected got into the university I go to.

I never expected to lead praise even in United States.

I never expected that I can quit smoking drinking and all the stupid stuff.

I never expected to find good friends in this country or anywhere.

I never expected anything about my life. 
I am not even worthy to have all these things.

But "God"... with his unconditional love,

he healed my wounds, he wiped my tears, and he was always with me. 

Even though, I was messed up, he was with me. and He is with me.

Sometimes I never can understand what God do something to me,

But now, I know. Even though God gave me pain and suffering, 

that was always for greater things. I actually grew more.

My Second year. I was a praise team leader in KCCC. and I quit.

No one's decision, it was mine. I decided to leave. And I leave ministry.

I leave God. I stopped praise God with my guitar. I stopped pray.

I stopped. Yes, I believe he was there. But I stopped trust him.

I was mad. I was mad about my decision, and I was so mad about situation I was going through.

I went to church. Nothing was there. I could not feel God's gentle touch anymore.

I was mad. It was my darkest part of my life.

But even though I was stop trust him, he trusted me, and he trained me. 

He trained my phychological strength, he tought me what is right or wrong and he trained me in different ways.

Lots of stuff happen. My grandmother died. I went back to ministry to just find God. 

I needed something I can rely on. But no, He was not there. He was not in KCCC, He was not in Church,

He was not in Children's Ministry. The God who I was looking for was not there. 

But soon, I noticed that He was always right next to me.

Although, I cannot see my future cleary, he was leading me in right place.

Now, I am leading praise again with more prepared heart, 

He provided me great people, and most importantly, now I know God is holding my hand,

and I know he will never leave me for sure. Thank you God.

I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you” (Josh. 1:5)

PODCAST!

It's Korean.  But well. Please subscribe.

K-pop and some of my talking.

http://chewkun.mypodcast.com

Live Winamp Radio Broad Casting + Podcast

I decide that I will start private broadcasting again.

I did this like 3 years ago. It was really fun, and I want to do it again.

And Finally I got my good sound card and mics, I will start again.

기대해주세요-

2009.5.2 타협

내 이름은 전동희, 전동희이다.

나는 환경이라는 거짓들 속에 

너무나도 쉽게, 너무나도 간단히 타협(折)하고 있지 않은가?
너무나도 가볍게, 꺾여버려지고 있지 않은가?

언제부터일까? 

나는 내 목소리(言)를 잃었으며, 내 이름(名)을 잃고, 

나의 손으로 내 눈을 찌르고, 마지막 남은 내 시(詩)까지 버렸다. 

모든 외적인 것들을 마치 아침에 일어나 밥을 먹듯 타협하고 있다.

나이를 먹은 탓인지, 그렇기에 너무나 약해진 탓인지.

그렇게 모든 것에 순응하고 타협하는 내 자신이 싫다.

이 미친 세상에 엎드러지고, 게다가 약간의 만족까지 하고 있는

다른 이들과 같은 나의 모습이 싫다. 

그리고 결심한다. 이 한껏 미쳐버린 세상으로부터

다시 나의 목소리를, 나의 이름을, 나의 눈을, 나의 시를 돌려받을것을.

그래, 내 이름은 전동희, 전동희이다.

Spiritual Battle?

Yes, everyday is pretty stressful. 

Nothing seems like going well.

Is this really spiritual battle?

Why life so hard? Why God? Why?

God, please.

O my righteouss God, 

please break my heart. 

please break my emotion, 

Please break this neverending rage.

O God, you who made mankind.

God, you who made me,

Listen to my cry for help God,

O God,

melt me, mold me, rebuild me,

touch me with your mighty hand.

O God... O God...

Enough.

For open chaple, I chose few songs as always, and I had a praise practice as always.

Yes, it was same typical day, I was so tiring, I had some bitter feeling about myself

and whatever I am going through right now. 

And yes, started practice, and finally I started sing "Enough"

During that priase, I started give thanks to God that whatever he gave it to me.

Even though it is suffering, I remembered that God always teached me through suffer.

I notice that really God is enough for my life. God is really more than enough.

Honestly I could not actually praise for more than a week beacuse of the stresses and 

some kind of other concerns, but after I sing that and praise God through that song,

I feels like now I can actually praise God. 

It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had. Anyways, God, you are more than enough

As a Adult,

As a grown up,

1. No more emotion driven life
   
2. Have quality called a "responsibility" 
   
3. Think, Talk and Act more mature than before 
   
4. Do the things even though I don't want to

Those things are the my opinion of what adult should have. Ironically, even though I am old enough, I don't think I have any of that quality. I feels like I am just a adult with kids brain. O well. Hopefully I can have those things by next birthday. God, please help me.

Hey Jude

Hey Jude - Beatles

Hey Jude, don't make it bad 

take a sad song and make it better 

Remember to let her into your heart 

Then you can start to make it better 

Hey Jude, don't be afraid 

You were made to go out and get her 

The minute you let her under your skin 

Then you begin to make it better 

And anytime you feel the pain 

Hey Jude refrain 

don't carry the world upon your shoulders 

For well you know that it's a fool 

who plays it cool 

By making his world a little colder 

Na na na na na 

na na na na 

Hey Jude don't let me down 

You have found her, now go and get her 

Remember to let her into your heart 

then you can start to make it better 

So let it out and let it in 

Hey Jude begin 

You're waiting for someone to perform with 

And don't you know that it's just you 

Hey Jude, you'll do 

The movement you need is on your shoulder 

Na na na na na 

na na na na yeah 

Hey Jude, don't make it bad 

take a sad song and make it better 

Remember to let her under your skin 

Then you begin to make it better 

Better, better, better, better, better, oh 

__________________________________________________

Beatles is awesome. Period.

21 years old man's random stuff 4.25

1. I notice that I cannot express myself well in English. 

    I guess I gotta learn more.

2. Some reason in these days, I cannot write any new songs.

    Haha,It might be lack of talent, but well, I should pray harder than before.

3. I have a feeling that I might have to lead praise for awhile,

    I thought I was just make up praise leader, hmm. 

    Thank God to give this opportunity, but I feel pretty bad for the simon.

    Lots of stress, but well, God will show my way.

4. I am now 21, but I still don't feel it. I expected dramatic change.

    But well, if it does not happen naturally, that means I have to work on my life stlye.

5. Stupid Google Adsense. :/ 

6. I notice that I did not pray enough. I should pray more. Not only left over time,

    But I should give my time to God.

7. I bought John Lennon poster yesterday, It is just awesome. 

    Now I feel like practice guitar more. 

8. I had such a great great birthday, Thanks everyone, esp Dark Chocolate Crew and JV

    I never expect something like this. It was AWESOME-  

    So yeah, Even though I am not holy enough, I should care about people 

    and pray for people more.

9. Hopefully I can get rid of this bitterness for my life, and need to get rid of rage like this.

   But well, It will be hard. I don't want my super ugly side coming out. It never came out 

   yet in US. I wish I can get rid of that. But yet, I will be myself.

10. I kind of decide that I will act like adult, like adult, adult. Not like adult body with

      children mind. But I dunno where to start hahaha.

11. For my opinion of justice I will do whatever I can.

12. I notice that I am addicted by stupid internet news paper. Why not something else 

      that is productive donghee? GUH- I hate feel wasted.

13. I finished Korean drama called "cain & abel" It was fun. But now what. hahahahaha

      I need to find something else for my spare time. Hopefully I can do some holy stuff.

14. I just notice that being positive and not getting stress is two different things. 

      That means I have to work on my lifestyle even harder.

15. Funny thing I notice is when it's at night time, I like, not only like but love quietness. 

16. There are so many things that I don't know what to do, and I will just rely on God.

      I believe he will help me or give me some kind of wisdom. Amen.

17. chris brought dumpling, and that dumpling was so good. 

18. Even though I became 21, when I see myself in the mirror, I am keep saying

      "Donghee you are young and sexy" Yeah I need to grow up or something

19. Even though I became 21, I still dreaming fly. Yeah I think my hometown is Neverland

       I am not a psycho and I know human is not made for flying around, we cannot take poo

       like bird. Actually, if we can fly, that means we are gonna take a poo everywhere hahaha

20. People think that I am emotional, but I am the one who can control my emotion.

       I think I can fake out my emotion for other people. But since I am 21, I quit.

       I will just be myself. I will not show my emotion easily.

21. I just notice that I am freakin random. 

22. 화이팅 동희, I can do everything in him who gives me the strength!

It's time

I think, now It's time to leave.

Thank you people.

OK, yesterday, well yeah now yesterday was my 21st birtday.

I had freakin lot of stress, because of living situation for next year,

stupid midterm, and stupid professors. 

I had so much bitter and anger almost all day from last week.

Yes, I was simply stressed about whole bunch of random stuffs. 

So today, I wonder what is the meaning of my 21st birthday.

I already drink alchol, I already gamble, and what is the point of this stupid day?

Everyone was like, hey, you are 21, you can drink kind of stuff.

And midterm was today, I went to office hour, professor say stupid craps.

And I thougt our Dark chocolate crew had problems. So I was like volcano that almost explode. 

But well, Everything went well, I got pretty good grade on my midterm[at least I think].

I clean my room, and finally put up my posters. 

Eat good birthday dinner with people I really care about.

And Dark chocolate crew fighting thing was all acting for my surprise birthday thing.

I got some awesome letters and gifts that are I needed and wanted. 

And also one awesome guy made great game for my birthday present. I loved it. haha

Well,

I was so touched and surprised. I think is was best birtday I ever had. 

I never had birthday party like this. Well, when I was in Korea, when I was with my friends, 

I simply drank like crazy or if I was with my family, since my parents are busy as heck, 

pretty much nothing happen on my birthday.. 

Maybe because of that I am not used to this birthday party thingy, but it was such a awesome experience. I feel so thankful to everyone.

So yeah.

Finally, my stresses got released. Bitterness gone somewhere. HaHa...

And Thanks everyone, who say Happy birthday to me,
cuz, becuase of that simple sentence, I found out one more reason to live strong.

Once again, thank you guys all.

답답하다

It's Korean. Whatever, it's my blog

Lots of cussin. But well. Don't read. Let me release my stress

짜증난다.

답답하다.

뭐 쓰발이러냐. 계획대로 되는건 한개도 없고, 제대로 된것도 없고

이런 뭐 개좆같은게 다있는지. 아 씨발.  아 씨발. 아 씨발. 아 씨발.

인생 모든게 짜증난다. 생일? 지랄. 다 개나 주라고해.

생일이고 뭐고 다 필요없으니. 한개라도 제대로 되는게 있음 좋겠다.

만ㅇㄻ;니ㅏㅎㄴ[ㄱ호재할ㅇㄴ

21st b-day.

21st b-day. I conside myself as the "Old man" 

now I can buy alcholic beverage legally, not like other times.

And since I am 21, I can do whatever I want.

But, I feels like I am still in high school or something.

I don't feel I am old. I did not change anything from my highschool senior year.

Well, at least I think that way.

I am still young. Too young. Too young to think about all that hard stuff....

Whatever. Almost my time is almost up. haha

Just chill.

I notice that lots and lots of people use their energy in unnecessary.

Korean people argue and fight about some guy's guity or not guilty,

I dunno these kind of stuff makes me feel sickin tired of being a human.

Human is such a ugly, loud, selfish creature. Sometimes I hate myself

because I am nothing better than anyone.

So yes,

Sometimes, I really want to be a tree. The big tree. 

I dunno, but they seems like pretty quiet and selfless.

Whatever. I am talking about whole bunch about stupid stuff

gotta do my work. haha

Almost there.

Last night(or tonight I guess) Dark Chocolate Crew finally started record our main theme song.

Chris did pretty good job on piano, so we recorded pretty well. 

Now it's my turn. I have to sing this song. Hopefully I can sing well.

Funny thing is I made the lyrics, but somehow I cannot remember that well..

So yeah now I worry about the song.. haha.. "HOPEFULLY..."

Anyways, our album's Title will be "Fragment of the Memory"

Some christian music I wrote and some songs me and other people wrote.

I am happy that I can make more good memory of my life with good friends.

Please God, bless our album, bless our project, bless our group, and please be with us!

1:49 AM SRB - Random thoughts

1.

It is really quiet. No light, no noise, no one snore.

It is really really quiet. My own Granmarc room is louder than this.

Pretty exciting. I love quietness and darkness.

I re-notice that I am pretty creepy. 

2.

Today at 7, we had some brother's bible study in SRB. 

And I somehow I end up with pray with chris about our vision and goal.

After that prayer, I started think about those 5 questions.

 

What is my Goal? 

What is my Dream? 

What is God's plan?

How come I cannot see God's plan for me?

Where am I going?

Hopefully I can find the answers soon.

3.

My camera broke down. During the Spring break, my old buddy went to God's hand.

Now, I need to find a new buddy, but yet, I don't have money to get new buddy.

That makes me feel sad. I want to take a pictures! AGH-

4.

I am leading praise by myself at 3-4 pm front of the bell tower.
Hopefully God gives me good leadership to lead praise well.
Please God, please be with me.

5.  

I finish my song, "As much as you gave your love for me(그대 주신 사랑만큼)"
I don't know it's good or not, but since it's praise song, hopefully through this song,
I wish I can glorify God's name. 

6.

I re-notice I am a hater. I hate stuff and some people. I should not though.
I wish I can love and accept everyone. It is kind of tough. 
I still feel murder someone or like at least break their bone or something
God, please teach me how to love others who makes me freakin mad.

7.

My blood type is not AB. It is O. Gosh. and Zorba's burger is always awesome XD

8.

I am going through so many hardship such as a visa status problems, whoever read this,

Please Please Please pray for me.

9.

I really really really really really "REALLY" want to go 노래방(Karaoke) and sing some
Weird songs. Yes, you can tell, I am stressed. haha..

10.

I notice that I am hypocrite. I wish I can be myself, but not the person who others people want me to be.

11. 

I notice that every single random thoughts getting shorter and shorter.

12.

I have to go to morning prayer. God, wake me up. I want to praise you.

13.

There are so many people that makes me feel happy. Not only people makes me crazy.
I thank God seriously. If those people are not here, I might be the worst murder.
I wish I can make more friends like that.

14.

I am gonna be 21 in 2 weeks. I can't believe I am so old. I feel like I am still 10 years old kid.

I should invite Peter Pan to my room. So that I can go to the Neverland. I don't want to 

become a old people. When I was freshman, I make fun of so many seniors and juniors, because I thought they are freakin old and wrinkly. But now I am freakin Junior. What the crap. It's like "Who is sucker now? Huh? HAHA" I am freakin old.

15.

Perfect Hang out plan. 

Korean BBQ buffet -> 노래방(Karaoke) for 3 hours -> Movie theater -> Go to really moody cafe with good coffee-> Go to Sushi place -> Shopping -> come back home and rest. 

Freak, I want to do this right now.

16.

I wonder why I cannot fly like bird.

17.

chandler's sorry sorry dance is really freaky, but funny. I don't want to dance. and why the Super Junior's fat guy's name is same as mine? What the gay.

18.

I wish I can use Ha-du-ken, so that when there is a trafic, I can blow up the freakin cars.

19.

Whenever I go to other people's blog, I feel huge depress, not because of their writing is emo, but just they write post so well. I NV U GUYS ALL!!!! 

And I kind of feel sorry for u guys who is reading this. But well, "Sucks for you"

20.

It's already 20. Wow. Gay. Anyways. I notice that now I got nothing to write and I have to go to sleep. it's already over 2. FREAK!

Thank you for die for my sin

Thank you God for die for my sin. Thank you God. Thank you.

The thing I notice in these days.

Everyone have some kind of talent. Some people are good at music, Some people are good at sports, some people are good at talking and socializing, some people has some super smart brain, some people are good at writing, some people are really good at computer and technology. Some people born with super richness, some people has good looking and body naturally, and some people are born with some kind of nice leadership and awesome personality.

Everyone has at least one of ability. But I don't know what is my talent. Kind of funny that even though some people said I am good at somthing, but when I see myself as a worldwide view, I suck. hahaha. I wish I have some talent like other people. I tried many and many of stuff, but it seems like does not work that well. Everytime I notice that, I feel so crap. 

I have many dreams. One of em is become a world famous chef. I love cooking, but that does not mean I am great like other genious cooks. I always try hard when I cook, but taste is always just whatevers. Everything I wanted to do, I suck. Musically, I am no good. Some people just born with such a nice ears and voice. I tried so hard to be something like that. But always, wall called "talent" stopped me. I practice more than others, but nah. I tried play sports, but always I suck. My reaction is pretty slow and my eyes are really slow and bad so I cannot see stuff well. I tried talk to people, Korean and English, I pretty suck at it. I try to witness others, but I cannot say good stuff like people who good at.

I know, thankful and agree with God gave me so much stuff. I feel so thankful. I am not being sarcastic or anything, I feel really thankful. I have healthy body,good parents, decent amount of money to go to school and many many things God gave it to me. And I am saved! So yes, there are so many things I have to give thanksgiving to God.

But everything what I have is just decent or bit lower than that "decent line". Maybe because of that, I cannot find my talent. I try to make talent. But I can't. I notice that I am just average person. Which is not bad, but every average person has some kind of talent, which is I don't have. Hopefully I can find my talent or I wish I have some kind of talent that is useful like others. 

Even though Super Mario is fat and ugly, but he can jump super high and shoot fireball with his stupid finger. 

I remember the one parable about owner give their three slaves a talent to each slave to invest or save for owner himself. And one of slave use his talent so well and he make 10 talents.

I promised myself that I will find my talent and I will use it and improve it, but golly, what is my talent? I want to cook well like other people, I want to sing and play instrument like other people, I want to witness like other people, I wish I am athletic like other people... Or at least I wish I have one of ability I wanted. I want to invest and I want to use my God gave talent to be better and nicer than what God gave. But seriously what is my talent?

I believe God has the greatest plan for my life, but I wonder how God can use the person like me who does not have any ability that is useful. What is my Dream? What is God's dream for me? 

I should pray more about this. God please show me the way and let me know what is my talent is.

About me and alchol.

I love Alcholic Beverage.
I don't want to lie. I like that a lot.

Esp, with my good friends.
I used to drink with my friends almost everyday.
These days, I miss that a lot.

Most of friends went to Korean Army,

one of friend died because of
the motorcycle accident, and one killed himself.

I still talk to my other friends that alive,
in MSN or phone, but its not like old days.

I remember that we went to Korean BBQ place in shin-chon, just order sam-gyup-sal and lots of alchols. And we start talk about random stuff. Not just random but it was more about life. I always liked that.

Even though I like drinking, I refuse to get krunk or like drinking by myself like loser. 
I like that mood. I like that intimate relationship with my friends. I miss that a lot.

Today, some reason I remember lots and lots of good memories in Korea with my friends.

I had so much fun. Also I miss some of my friends not in this world anymore.

I miss them A LOT.

Yes, I am christian. I know I should not think about this kind of stuff.

And Now, I try not to drink much as before.
But I can't help I miss my friends. Maybe I am not holy enough. Hahaha.. 

이런 밤에는 애들끼리 모여서 옛 기억을 안주로 쏘주나 한잔 하고싶다.

Finally... Lexicon Lambda

I spent about 160 dollor and FINALLY I GOT MY OWN AUDIO INTERFACE!! It is worth it. Recording quality was pretty nice. That makes me happy. heheI record one of our Dark chocolate song thing, and It was pretty good. 

I think I can actually start recording the songs that I wrote it before. I wrote about 5-6 songs that I did not tell other people. 

I am happy because now I don't have to looking for something when I am bored.

Now I can record some songs and practice my singing and playing guitar.

And yeah I feels like now I am one step closer to one of my dream that have my own album

with only my own songs. 

Lastly, Thank you God for give me the such a great gift.

The Song I wrote today. 그대 주신 사랑만큼

I went to the Buena Park today with my fellow Dark chocolate members to go to Korean market.

And on the way, I felt like write a song. So I borrow chris's biology notebook and I wrote this in 15 minutes. It's in Korean, but no worry, I will translate for you guys.

그대 주신 사랑만큼

오늘도 나는 당신을

바라며, 느끼며, 감사해요

내게 사랑을 알게 하신 그대

오늘도 당신은 나를

찾으며, 안으며, 잡아줘요

내게 모든 것을 주신 그대

당신이 주신 산과 들, 바다와 강

그리고 목숨 까지도,

내가 가지기엔 너무나도 커요

그래도, 그대 주신 사랑만큼

오늘도 나는 웃으며 감사해요

그렇게 오늘도 당신을 바라보며 하루를 살아가요

as much as you gave your love

Day by day,

I want you, feel you, and give thanks to you

you, who teach me the love

Day by day,

You are looking to hug me and to hold me

you who gave it all for me. 

the mountain and ground you gave, 

Ocean and River you gave,

even your life,

I am not worthy to have any of it at all

But, as much as you gave your love

Today, I will smile and give thanks

Today, I see you and live, day by day

Since, I wrote this song in Korean, traslation is kind of awkward. If u can understand Korean well, Korean version is much much better. But o well. I can't do anything about it. And I will sing in Korean. If I can I wll make english version later on.

My life.

Everything I am going through is pretty harsh and stressful. 

Sometimes I just want to quit my life right now. 

But now I decide that I will just give big smiles to all of the things I am going through.

I love to just sit down and think about the problems.

And finally, I found the answer.
I will not give up. I will fight my good fight. 

I will go through this life with joy, even though it is not joyful.

There are so many problems. But that means there are so many answers to solve.

How cool it is. And NOW I will find the answers. 

But not only by myself, but with God, family and good friends. 

내일을 향해 나를 향해 외치는 화이팅! I can do it! YAY

I'm Tired Of Freakin' Made Fun Of

You know, for so many years now, I've been subjected to discrimination and teasing due to my lack of English proficiency, but I'm so freakin' tired of this crap now. Today the 7-eleven guy told me he couldn't understand my, "broken English" and kept telling me to repeat everything. WHAT THE FREAK!!

You know what... I'm not bad at English.

..."What?! You're not bad at English?"

Yeah, I know you were thinking that. I hate it when you guys always make fun of me, but I had to do it because I was conducting a personal experiment while I've been here in America. I noticed that people treat me like a piece of crap whenever I pretend to speak English that is lower than the acceptable level in California. Even worse, I noticed that people in KCCC tend to make fun of me for an average time of 1.2 minutes straight.

You might be thinking, "1.2 minutes? That's only 72 seconds of teasing! C'mon...". Well, think about all the people I meet in a day. I meet about 20 people every day. I one day I spend 24 minutes being made fun of and 168 minutes (2 hours 48 minutes) being teased each week. Let's compare this when I was in Iowa.

In Iowa, the people there were warm and friendly. They only made fun of me about 20 seconds average each person. That's about 3.5 times less than Californians! The sarcasm and bullying attitudes of people in California is too much for me. After today, I'm going to make fun of YOUR English.

Person A: OMG, I drive like 50 miles just to get that tasty burger...
Me: Excuse me, it's "I drove". You need to learn how to use your past tenses correctly. Stupid American.
Person A: What?!
Me: Wow, what advanced English... you just made an exclamation with one word. You are such a genius. Bravo.
Person A: Wh... what the... are you making fun of me?
Me: Studdering is a great way to improve your English. Keep it up.

So Chandler, Julie, and Jevons... all of you should think before you speak. I am a master of sharp rebuttals and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be embarassed by a "FOB" that speaks better English than you