Spiritual Battle?

Yes, everyday is pretty stressful. 

Nothing seems like going well.

Is this really spiritual battle?

Why life so hard? Why God? Why?

God, please.

O my righteouss God, 

please break my heart. 

please break my emotion, 

Please break this neverending rage.

O God, you who made mankind.

God, you who made me,

Listen to my cry for help God,

O God,

melt me, mold me, rebuild me,

touch me with your mighty hand.

O God... O God...

Enough.

For open chaple, I chose few songs as always, and I had a praise practice as always.

Yes, it was same typical day, I was so tiring, I had some bitter feeling about myself

and whatever I am going through right now. 

And yes, started practice, and finally I started sing "Enough"

During that priase, I started give thanks to God that whatever he gave it to me.

Even though it is suffering, I remembered that God always teached me through suffer.

I notice that really God is enough for my life. God is really more than enough.

Honestly I could not actually praise for more than a week beacuse of the stresses and 

some kind of other concerns, but after I sing that and praise God through that song,

I feels like now I can actually praise God. 

It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had. Anyways, God, you are more than enough

As a Adult,

As a grown up,

1. No more emotion driven life
   
2. Have quality called a "responsibility" 
   
3. Think, Talk and Act more mature than before 
   
4. Do the things even though I don't want to

Those things are the my opinion of what adult should have. Ironically, even though I am old enough, I don't think I have any of that quality. I feels like I am just a adult with kids brain. O well. Hopefully I can have those things by next birthday. God, please help me.

Hey Jude

Hey Jude - Beatles

Hey Jude, don't make it bad 

take a sad song and make it better 

Remember to let her into your heart 

Then you can start to make it better 

Hey Jude, don't be afraid 

You were made to go out and get her 

The minute you let her under your skin 

Then you begin to make it better 

And anytime you feel the pain 

Hey Jude refrain 

don't carry the world upon your shoulders 

For well you know that it's a fool 

who plays it cool 

By making his world a little colder 

Na na na na na 

na na na na 

Hey Jude don't let me down 

You have found her, now go and get her 

Remember to let her into your heart 

then you can start to make it better 

So let it out and let it in 

Hey Jude begin 

You're waiting for someone to perform with 

And don't you know that it's just you 

Hey Jude, you'll do 

The movement you need is on your shoulder 

Na na na na na 

na na na na yeah 

Hey Jude, don't make it bad 

take a sad song and make it better 

Remember to let her under your skin 

Then you begin to make it better 

Better, better, better, better, better, oh 

__________________________________________________

Beatles is awesome. Period.

21 years old man's random stuff 4.25

1. I notice that I cannot express myself well in English. 

    I guess I gotta learn more.

2. Some reason in these days, I cannot write any new songs.

    Haha,It might be lack of talent, but well, I should pray harder than before.

3. I have a feeling that I might have to lead praise for awhile,

    I thought I was just make up praise leader, hmm. 

    Thank God to give this opportunity, but I feel pretty bad for the simon.

    Lots of stress, but well, God will show my way.

4. I am now 21, but I still don't feel it. I expected dramatic change.

    But well, if it does not happen naturally, that means I have to work on my life stlye.

5. Stupid Google Adsense. :/ 

6. I notice that I did not pray enough. I should pray more. Not only left over time,

    But I should give my time to God.

7. I bought John Lennon poster yesterday, It is just awesome. 

    Now I feel like practice guitar more. 

8. I had such a great great birthday, Thanks everyone, esp Dark Chocolate Crew and JV

    I never expect something like this. It was AWESOME-  

    So yeah, Even though I am not holy enough, I should care about people 

    and pray for people more.

9. Hopefully I can get rid of this bitterness for my life, and need to get rid of rage like this.

   But well, It will be hard. I don't want my super ugly side coming out. It never came out 

   yet in US. I wish I can get rid of that. But yet, I will be myself.

10. I kind of decide that I will act like adult, like adult, adult. Not like adult body with

      children mind. But I dunno where to start hahaha.

11. For my opinion of justice I will do whatever I can.

12. I notice that I am addicted by stupid internet news paper. Why not something else 

      that is productive donghee? GUH- I hate feel wasted.

13. I finished Korean drama called "cain & abel" It was fun. But now what. hahahahaha

      I need to find something else for my spare time. Hopefully I can do some holy stuff.

14. I just notice that being positive and not getting stress is two different things. 

      That means I have to work on my lifestyle even harder.

15. Funny thing I notice is when it's at night time, I like, not only like but love quietness. 

16. There are so many things that I don't know what to do, and I will just rely on God.

      I believe he will help me or give me some kind of wisdom. Amen.

17. chris brought dumpling, and that dumpling was so good. 

18. Even though I became 21, when I see myself in the mirror, I am keep saying

      "Donghee you are young and sexy" Yeah I need to grow up or something

19. Even though I became 21, I still dreaming fly. Yeah I think my hometown is Neverland

       I am not a psycho and I know human is not made for flying around, we cannot take poo

       like bird. Actually, if we can fly, that means we are gonna take a poo everywhere hahaha

20. People think that I am emotional, but I am the one who can control my emotion.

       I think I can fake out my emotion for other people. But since I am 21, I quit.

       I will just be myself. I will not show my emotion easily.

21. I just notice that I am freakin random. 

22. 화이팅 동희, I can do everything in him who gives me the strength!

It's time

I think, now It's time to leave.

Thank you people.

OK, yesterday, well yeah now yesterday was my 21st birtday.

I had freakin lot of stress, because of living situation for next year,

stupid midterm, and stupid professors. 

I had so much bitter and anger almost all day from last week.

Yes, I was simply stressed about whole bunch of random stuffs. 

So today, I wonder what is the meaning of my 21st birthday.

I already drink alchol, I already gamble, and what is the point of this stupid day?

Everyone was like, hey, you are 21, you can drink kind of stuff.

And midterm was today, I went to office hour, professor say stupid craps.

And I thougt our Dark chocolate crew had problems. So I was like volcano that almost explode. 

But well, Everything went well, I got pretty good grade on my midterm[at least I think].

I clean my room, and finally put up my posters. 

Eat good birthday dinner with people I really care about.

And Dark chocolate crew fighting thing was all acting for my surprise birthday thing.

I got some awesome letters and gifts that are I needed and wanted. 

And also one awesome guy made great game for my birthday present. I loved it. haha

Well,

I was so touched and surprised. I think is was best birtday I ever had. 

I never had birthday party like this. Well, when I was in Korea, when I was with my friends, 

I simply drank like crazy or if I was with my family, since my parents are busy as heck, 

pretty much nothing happen on my birthday.. 

Maybe because of that I am not used to this birthday party thingy, but it was such a awesome experience. I feel so thankful to everyone.

So yeah.

Finally, my stresses got released. Bitterness gone somewhere. HaHa...

And Thanks everyone, who say Happy birthday to me,
cuz, becuase of that simple sentence, I found out one more reason to live strong.

Once again, thank you guys all.

답답하다

It's Korean. Whatever, it's my blog

Lots of cussin. But well. Don't read. Let me release my stress

짜증난다.

답답하다.

뭐 쓰발이러냐. 계획대로 되는건 한개도 없고, 제대로 된것도 없고

이런 뭐 개좆같은게 다있는지. 아 씨발.  아 씨발. 아 씨발. 아 씨발.

인생 모든게 짜증난다. 생일? 지랄. 다 개나 주라고해.

생일이고 뭐고 다 필요없으니. 한개라도 제대로 되는게 있음 좋겠다.

만ㅇㄻ;니ㅏㅎㄴ[ㄱ호재할ㅇㄴ

21st b-day.

21st b-day. I conside myself as the "Old man" 

now I can buy alcholic beverage legally, not like other times.

And since I am 21, I can do whatever I want.

But, I feels like I am still in high school or something.

I don't feel I am old. I did not change anything from my highschool senior year.

Well, at least I think that way.

I am still young. Too young. Too young to think about all that hard stuff....

Whatever. Almost my time is almost up. haha

Just chill.

I notice that lots and lots of people use their energy in unnecessary.

Korean people argue and fight about some guy's guity or not guilty,

I dunno these kind of stuff makes me feel sickin tired of being a human.

Human is such a ugly, loud, selfish creature. Sometimes I hate myself

because I am nothing better than anyone.

So yes,

Sometimes, I really want to be a tree. The big tree. 

I dunno, but they seems like pretty quiet and selfless.

Whatever. I am talking about whole bunch about stupid stuff

gotta do my work. haha

Almost there.

Last night(or tonight I guess) Dark Chocolate Crew finally started record our main theme song.

Chris did pretty good job on piano, so we recorded pretty well. 

Now it's my turn. I have to sing this song. Hopefully I can sing well.

Funny thing is I made the lyrics, but somehow I cannot remember that well..

So yeah now I worry about the song.. haha.. "HOPEFULLY..."

Anyways, our album's Title will be "Fragment of the Memory"

Some christian music I wrote and some songs me and other people wrote.

I am happy that I can make more good memory of my life with good friends.

Please God, bless our album, bless our project, bless our group, and please be with us!

1:49 AM SRB - Random thoughts

1.

It is really quiet. No light, no noise, no one snore.

It is really really quiet. My own Granmarc room is louder than this.

Pretty exciting. I love quietness and darkness.

I re-notice that I am pretty creepy. 

2.

Today at 7, we had some brother's bible study in SRB. 

And I somehow I end up with pray with chris about our vision and goal.

After that prayer, I started think about those 5 questions.

 

What is my Goal? 

What is my Dream? 

What is God's plan?

How come I cannot see God's plan for me?

Where am I going?

Hopefully I can find the answers soon.

3.

My camera broke down. During the Spring break, my old buddy went to God's hand.

Now, I need to find a new buddy, but yet, I don't have money to get new buddy.

That makes me feel sad. I want to take a pictures! AGH-

4.

I am leading praise by myself at 3-4 pm front of the bell tower.
Hopefully God gives me good leadership to lead praise well.
Please God, please be with me.

5.  

I finish my song, "As much as you gave your love for me(그대 주신 사랑만큼)"
I don't know it's good or not, but since it's praise song, hopefully through this song,
I wish I can glorify God's name. 

6.

I re-notice I am a hater. I hate stuff and some people. I should not though.
I wish I can love and accept everyone. It is kind of tough. 
I still feel murder someone or like at least break their bone or something
God, please teach me how to love others who makes me freakin mad.

7.

My blood type is not AB. It is O. Gosh. and Zorba's burger is always awesome XD

8.

I am going through so many hardship such as a visa status problems, whoever read this,

Please Please Please pray for me.

9.

I really really really really really "REALLY" want to go 노래방(Karaoke) and sing some
Weird songs. Yes, you can tell, I am stressed. haha..

10.

I notice that I am hypocrite. I wish I can be myself, but not the person who others people want me to be.

11. 

I notice that every single random thoughts getting shorter and shorter.

12.

I have to go to morning prayer. God, wake me up. I want to praise you.

13.

There are so many people that makes me feel happy. Not only people makes me crazy.
I thank God seriously. If those people are not here, I might be the worst murder.
I wish I can make more friends like that.

14.

I am gonna be 21 in 2 weeks. I can't believe I am so old. I feel like I am still 10 years old kid.

I should invite Peter Pan to my room. So that I can go to the Neverland. I don't want to 

become a old people. When I was freshman, I make fun of so many seniors and juniors, because I thought they are freakin old and wrinkly. But now I am freakin Junior. What the crap. It's like "Who is sucker now? Huh? HAHA" I am freakin old.

15.

Perfect Hang out plan. 

Korean BBQ buffet -> 노래방(Karaoke) for 3 hours -> Movie theater -> Go to really moody cafe with good coffee-> Go to Sushi place -> Shopping -> come back home and rest. 

Freak, I want to do this right now.

16.

I wonder why I cannot fly like bird.

17.

chandler's sorry sorry dance is really freaky, but funny. I don't want to dance. and why the Super Junior's fat guy's name is same as mine? What the gay.

18.

I wish I can use Ha-du-ken, so that when there is a trafic, I can blow up the freakin cars.

19.

Whenever I go to other people's blog, I feel huge depress, not because of their writing is emo, but just they write post so well. I NV U GUYS ALL!!!! 

And I kind of feel sorry for u guys who is reading this. But well, "Sucks for you"

20.

It's already 20. Wow. Gay. Anyways. I notice that now I got nothing to write and I have to go to sleep. it's already over 2. FREAK!

Thank you for die for my sin

Thank you God for die for my sin. Thank you God. Thank you.

The thing I notice in these days.

Everyone have some kind of talent. Some people are good at music, Some people are good at sports, some people are good at talking and socializing, some people has some super smart brain, some people are good at writing, some people are really good at computer and technology. Some people born with super richness, some people has good looking and body naturally, and some people are born with some kind of nice leadership and awesome personality.

Everyone has at least one of ability. But I don't know what is my talent. Kind of funny that even though some people said I am good at somthing, but when I see myself as a worldwide view, I suck. hahaha. I wish I have some talent like other people. I tried many and many of stuff, but it seems like does not work that well. Everytime I notice that, I feel so crap. 

I have many dreams. One of em is become a world famous chef. I love cooking, but that does not mean I am great like other genious cooks. I always try hard when I cook, but taste is always just whatevers. Everything I wanted to do, I suck. Musically, I am no good. Some people just born with such a nice ears and voice. I tried so hard to be something like that. But always, wall called "talent" stopped me. I practice more than others, but nah. I tried play sports, but always I suck. My reaction is pretty slow and my eyes are really slow and bad so I cannot see stuff well. I tried talk to people, Korean and English, I pretty suck at it. I try to witness others, but I cannot say good stuff like people who good at.

I know, thankful and agree with God gave me so much stuff. I feel so thankful. I am not being sarcastic or anything, I feel really thankful. I have healthy body,good parents, decent amount of money to go to school and many many things God gave it to me. And I am saved! So yes, there are so many things I have to give thanksgiving to God.

But everything what I have is just decent or bit lower than that "decent line". Maybe because of that, I cannot find my talent. I try to make talent. But I can't. I notice that I am just average person. Which is not bad, but every average person has some kind of talent, which is I don't have. Hopefully I can find my talent or I wish I have some kind of talent that is useful like others. 

Even though Super Mario is fat and ugly, but he can jump super high and shoot fireball with his stupid finger. 

I remember the one parable about owner give their three slaves a talent to each slave to invest or save for owner himself. And one of slave use his talent so well and he make 10 talents.

I promised myself that I will find my talent and I will use it and improve it, but golly, what is my talent? I want to cook well like other people, I want to sing and play instrument like other people, I want to witness like other people, I wish I am athletic like other people... Or at least I wish I have one of ability I wanted. I want to invest and I want to use my God gave talent to be better and nicer than what God gave. But seriously what is my talent?

I believe God has the greatest plan for my life, but I wonder how God can use the person like me who does not have any ability that is useful. What is my Dream? What is God's dream for me? 

I should pray more about this. God please show me the way and let me know what is my talent is.

About me and alchol.

I love Alcholic Beverage.
I don't want to lie. I like that a lot.

Esp, with my good friends.
I used to drink with my friends almost everyday.
These days, I miss that a lot.

Most of friends went to Korean Army,

one of friend died because of
the motorcycle accident, and one killed himself.

I still talk to my other friends that alive,
in MSN or phone, but its not like old days.

I remember that we went to Korean BBQ place in shin-chon, just order sam-gyup-sal and lots of alchols. And we start talk about random stuff. Not just random but it was more about life. I always liked that.

Even though I like drinking, I refuse to get krunk or like drinking by myself like loser. 
I like that mood. I like that intimate relationship with my friends. I miss that a lot.

Today, some reason I remember lots and lots of good memories in Korea with my friends.

I had so much fun. Also I miss some of my friends not in this world anymore.

I miss them A LOT.

Yes, I am christian. I know I should not think about this kind of stuff.

And Now, I try not to drink much as before.
But I can't help I miss my friends. Maybe I am not holy enough. Hahaha.. 

이런 밤에는 애들끼리 모여서 옛 기억을 안주로 쏘주나 한잔 하고싶다.

Finally... Lexicon Lambda

I spent about 160 dollor and FINALLY I GOT MY OWN AUDIO INTERFACE!! It is worth it. Recording quality was pretty nice. That makes me happy. heheI record one of our Dark chocolate song thing, and It was pretty good. 

I think I can actually start recording the songs that I wrote it before. I wrote about 5-6 songs that I did not tell other people. 

I am happy because now I don't have to looking for something when I am bored.

Now I can record some songs and practice my singing and playing guitar.

And yeah I feels like now I am one step closer to one of my dream that have my own album

with only my own songs. 

Lastly, Thank you God for give me the such a great gift.

The Song I wrote today. 그대 주신 사랑만큼

I went to the Buena Park today with my fellow Dark chocolate members to go to Korean market.

And on the way, I felt like write a song. So I borrow chris's biology notebook and I wrote this in 15 minutes. It's in Korean, but no worry, I will translate for you guys.

그대 주신 사랑만큼

오늘도 나는 당신을

바라며, 느끼며, 감사해요

내게 사랑을 알게 하신 그대

오늘도 당신은 나를

찾으며, 안으며, 잡아줘요

내게 모든 것을 주신 그대

당신이 주신 산과 들, 바다와 강

그리고 목숨 까지도,

내가 가지기엔 너무나도 커요

그래도, 그대 주신 사랑만큼

오늘도 나는 웃으며 감사해요

그렇게 오늘도 당신을 바라보며 하루를 살아가요

as much as you gave your love

Day by day,

I want you, feel you, and give thanks to you

you, who teach me the love

Day by day,

You are looking to hug me and to hold me

you who gave it all for me. 

the mountain and ground you gave, 

Ocean and River you gave,

even your life,

I am not worthy to have any of it at all

But, as much as you gave your love

Today, I will smile and give thanks

Today, I see you and live, day by day

Since, I wrote this song in Korean, traslation is kind of awkward. If u can understand Korean well, Korean version is much much better. But o well. I can't do anything about it. And I will sing in Korean. If I can I wll make english version later on.

My life.

Everything I am going through is pretty harsh and stressful. 

Sometimes I just want to quit my life right now. 

But now I decide that I will just give big smiles to all of the things I am going through.

I love to just sit down and think about the problems.

And finally, I found the answer.
I will not give up. I will fight my good fight. 

I will go through this life with joy, even though it is not joyful.

There are so many problems. But that means there are so many answers to solve.

How cool it is. And NOW I will find the answers. 

But not only by myself, but with God, family and good friends. 

내일을 향해 나를 향해 외치는 화이팅! I can do it! YAY

I'm Tired Of Freakin' Made Fun Of

You know, for so many years now, I've been subjected to discrimination and teasing due to my lack of English proficiency, but I'm so freakin' tired of this crap now. Today the 7-eleven guy told me he couldn't understand my, "broken English" and kept telling me to repeat everything. WHAT THE FREAK!!

You know what... I'm not bad at English.

..."What?! You're not bad at English?"

Yeah, I know you were thinking that. I hate it when you guys always make fun of me, but I had to do it because I was conducting a personal experiment while I've been here in America. I noticed that people treat me like a piece of crap whenever I pretend to speak English that is lower than the acceptable level in California. Even worse, I noticed that people in KCCC tend to make fun of me for an average time of 1.2 minutes straight.

You might be thinking, "1.2 minutes? That's only 72 seconds of teasing! C'mon...". Well, think about all the people I meet in a day. I meet about 20 people every day. I one day I spend 24 minutes being made fun of and 168 minutes (2 hours 48 minutes) being teased each week. Let's compare this when I was in Iowa.

In Iowa, the people there were warm and friendly. They only made fun of me about 20 seconds average each person. That's about 3.5 times less than Californians! The sarcasm and bullying attitudes of people in California is too much for me. After today, I'm going to make fun of YOUR English.

Person A: OMG, I drive like 50 miles just to get that tasty burger...
Me: Excuse me, it's "I drove". You need to learn how to use your past tenses correctly. Stupid American.
Person A: What?!
Me: Wow, what advanced English... you just made an exclamation with one word. You are such a genius. Bravo.
Person A: Wh... what the... are you making fun of me?
Me: Studdering is a great way to improve your English. Keep it up.

So Chandler, Julie, and Jevons... all of you should think before you speak. I am a master of sharp rebuttals and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be embarassed by a "FOB" that speaks better English than you

The Worst April Fools

Yeah. April Fools should be like this picture. Like freak people outs and fools of joke. Those things should be on April fools. But, Golly... WHAT A DAY..! 

First thing just happened. I was came back from the Ralphs with Chris, and he wanted to just help me to carry all those stupid crap load of grocery. But he could not found the parking spot, so he park at the disadvantage parking for like not even 5 min. But he's car almost got towed, but he had to pay bunch of money... I feel horrible. PEOPLE! THERE ARE NO DISADVANTAGE PEORSON ON OUR APRTMENT! FREAKIN DELETE THAT STUPID SPOT! USELESS!!!!

Second, I did not sleep for almost none last night, so I am so freakin tired and now I cannot sleep. I was thinking about whole bunch of April Fools Joke for Tomorrow, oops, Today, but now I don't think I can use that anymore. This is so gay. I am kind of sick, tired, and now angry. What the crap.

Thirdly, I don't even know my visa thing is going well or not, but well I believe God will take care of it, because I cannot do anything about this. 

And Finally, I am having hard time because of my parents expectation. Since I cannot achieve their expectation, I know I will get stressed and burned out every single freakin day. I am the first born of first born kind of thing. Every single family member have mountain high expectation to me. It is really hard to achieve the goal they made for me. And they don't understand who am I, and what am I going through. What am I? Am I freakin Robot? WHAT KIND OF LIFE AM I LIVING?

What a day, The April fools is not even started yet. It is 12:41 in the morning. I started this day with whole bunch of thinking and some horrible stuff happen. I feel so bad now. and I am so freakin tired. 

I just did my QT, It actually helped me and my anger, but now I am so depressed. I am so depressed. I am not going to say I hate my life or anything, because I believe God will fix my feeling and every single situation in good way. But, I wish everything will be alright in soon. Because, finally, I am at the point that is about to explode...  Jesus, Please come or help me. PLEASE GOD, SHOW ME THE WAY!! I AM LOST!!

"But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me."

                                                                 -Psalm 22:19